Dumb’s Quest for his Ding-a-ling-a-ling

In Kozhikode!, Paati sonna stories!, Peeterru! on April 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Hello random reader,

(Very Important: This post contains some highly R-rated content and very little subtlety. Parental guidance is advised. And also, if you believe in GOD or Rajinikanth, do not read this.)

Once upon a time, long long ago, so long ago that people don’t give a damn how long ago it was, there was a kingdom. This was not the only kingdom, but this was the kingdom. What made this kingdom so special was that this was the kingdom which led to the origin of the word kingdom. Now before this kingdom came into existence (I wonder how long ago that was), there were kings and they had their subjects and that was about it. But in our kingdom, they had an open system of democracy. Yes, people were able to choose their king. How did they do that? Read on…

It was a bad day if you were giving birth. It was an even worse day if you were a man and you were giving birth (to those of you out there who are wondering how a man could give birth, 3 words: Use your imagination). It seemed that even the gods were against the unholy spectacle that was about to happen in a few minutes. They tried throwing out their lightning bolts, thunderstorms and at one point, they even sent a tsunami. But Man, just would not die. Now, Man was into his last month of pregnancy and was completely alone, in the jungle. Yes, you guessed right, he was an outcast. Man was a virgin and when he got pregnant, the people of the land of Hell-a-loo-yeah? stoned him out of the country and thus, his current pitiable state.

MAN in his 9th month of pregnancy

So, on that rainy and stormy and tsunami night, our hero was born (and of course Man was exhausted). Now, Man was pretty upset because his son, whom he had fondly christened Son Of Man, had not cried or even tried to cry when he was born. On this sad note, man took his son to the outskirts of Hell-a-loo-yeah? and left him there, tattooing on his back the word RAD for future identification. Son of Man was found and raised by a shepherd who named him Dumb.

The Shepherd and one of the earliest photos of Son Of Man!!!

The shepherd was a man of principle, if you are dumb; you are dumb (substitute dumb with anything here). He did not believe in euphemisms and raised Dumb along similar lines (The shepherd was dead against deaf people and his take on them has recently been popularized by Russel Peters: “fuck them in their ears”).

Russell demonstrating the shepherd's motto!!

Our hero had a completely normal childhood. He attended the Hell-a-loo-yeah? school and college of technology where he got his Bachelor’s from. He was the local punch-bag of the students there and at night, he peddled “ganja” to earn cash and satisfy the needs of his alcoholic father. He was in the spring of his youth, lying on the floor, just after being thrashed by his father for not earning enough money that day, when the incident that changed his life for good happened.

Sarah in all her glory, Dumb tries to woo Sarah!!!!

A female clad in complete white, shining from head-to-toe appeared before him from out of nowhere. She had a veena (people had forgotten what it was called back then), or something that resembled a veena with her and proclaimed herself to Dumb as the Goddess of Knowledge, Sarah. Now Dumb was dumbstruck. He had never seen such a beautiful member of the opposite sex before (Seems Hell-a-loo-yeah? was very similar to our own NITC) and was wondering how to woo her when she bought down the veena on his head with full force. Dumb then arrived at the logical conclusion that since she was a goddess, she could hear his thoughts. So he made a mental apology. She smiled at him benignly and said that she was here to make a deal. She would give him the power to speak if he promised her that he would become the king and remove from the minds of the people, their belief in the Elephant Gods Dingling n Dangling.

(Now before we proceed with Dumb’s tale, let me tell you about Dingling, Dangling and the people of Hell-a-loo-yeah? in general. They were a very perverse and stupid culture. So perverse that, eons before this tale, their ancestors decided to worship any creature with a huge Ding-a-ling-a-ling(their official term for that which was later covered by Chuck Berry in his song My Ding-a-ling-a-ling) and so stupid that, when they saw two elephants playing in the water, they mistook the trunks for their you-know-what and prostrated themselves. These two elephants were of course later renamed as Dingling and Dangling and the story had evolved over the years.)

Chuck Berry's Ding-a-ling-a-ling!!!

Dingling n Dangling

Now, Dumb was taken aback because he adored the elephant gods but after some thinking, he decided he adored Sarah more (veena crashed on the head once again). So, he accepted her offer and got the power of speech. Now, since Dumb was brought up in the outskirts, he was an ignorant fool (even by Hell-a-loo-yeah? standards), so his very sensitive and protective father was very unhappy to see him leave for the capital, Hell-a-loo-yeah? City. But before he left, Dumb learnt the story of how he was found by the shepherd, and that he was an orphan (all of this was accompanied by some very slow and moving music).

On the day Dumb reached Hell-a-loo-yeah City, the entire capital was in mourning. The old king (the only king too) had just passed away and none of the citizens were volunteering to become the king, for before you became king of Hell-a-loo-yeah, you had to prove your mettle to the people. This involved undergoing 3 tests which challenged you physically and emotionally, to the limits (and of course castration and a painful death if you fail). Nobody except the high priest of Dingling n Dangling Temple knew what these 3 tests were. Dumb volunteered immediately, for he was ready to even die to please Sarah.

He climbed 14433 stairs to reach the top of the temple and there he was, the High Priest, who was also known as Eternal Stoner for the Useless Mind (Esum for short). Esum glance up and down at Dumb and decided that he was a goner. He tried to persuade Dumb to quit, but Dumb was just too adamant.

"High" Priest ESUM!!!

So finally, Esum gave in and told Dumb his first task:

To set out into the jungle, find the crazy old guy whom people call Supper ratS(because he always had rats for supper) and make him stop talking(which is impossible once you get him to start).

(Point to note: Supper ratS’ punch line/motto in life is this: If he says something once, it means he has said it a 100 times. He will later on be reborn as a blind drug addict called Dritharashtra and father just 1 useless son. But to the world, he has fathered a 100 sons, collectively called kauravas who get their asses kicked by just 5 people(Pandavas duh!) and currently, he is torturing people to death in a place called Tamil Nadu in India under the name of SuperStar.)

Supper ratS: BEFORE

So, Dumb sets out on his first adventure. He enters the forest and begins searching for Supper ratS. It has been 3 days since Dumb had eaten and he was famished. He suddenly hears an eerie chant which sounded to him like lakalakalakalakalaka…. He looks up in the sky and sees something flying…is it a bird? is it a plane? No its Supper ratS. He lands next to Dumb and offers him food. Dumb began eating and Supper ratS began talking… I am a ghost hunter he said. Have you…Dumb stops him. He says : I’ve heard you are a psychologist, in fact the primary disciple of Dr. Bradley. Is this true? SR replies with an affirmative and before he could start again, Dumb says: Well then, here’s a question for you, If you say something once, it means you have said it 100 times. But now, it will mean you have said it 10000 times and so on. When does this stop? Supper ratS was speechless. He pondered over this question for millennia and invented the concept of infinity but at that time, Dumb had completed his first task. He had Shut Up Supper ratS.

Supper ratS : After

Dumb returns to the temple and proclaims to Esum that he had completed the first task. Esum though initially taken aback, decided that Dumb was not so dumb after all.” But this time”, thought Esum, “you are in for some big trouble”. The second task:

To seduce the enchantress Ash ‘little’ Stream and prove your “worth” to Dingling n Dangling.

(Point to note: Ash ‘little’ Stream is an ageless beautiful angel, who was said to be so hard to seduce, that Dingling n Dangling had to try at the same time to succeed. She is still alive and well and known to the common man by her screen name Ashlyn Brooke).

The Enchantress Ash 'little' Stream

Dumb, on hearing the second task was devastated. He was not a handsome man you see and he did not have any special talents either. As he was wondering how he was going to go about doing this, Sarah, in all her splendour and radiance appeared before him. She whispers into his ears the secret of Ash ‘little’ Stream and with renewed energy, Dumb goes over to Ash’s place.

Now, however prepared he was, he did not expect the sight that beheld him at the door. There she was, Ash in all her beauty (he made a mental note that she was much much better than Sarah herself when the image of a veena crashing on his head disrupted his thoughts). So Dumb introduced himself and stated his purpose. Ash gave him a look that seemed to say, not another one, but nonetheless, she welcomed him and asked him how he was going to go about seducing her. Dumb says, “I know your secret Ash”, and hands her a copy of what we know today as The Painting of Dorian Grey. She read through the book, got enraged and decided to kill Dumb when Sarah intervenes and thus began the greatest cat fight of that century. Both of them had ripped apart each other’s clothing and Dumb was having a field day watching 2 scantily clad women have a go at each other (This is currently adapted by the WWE as an entertainment event call BandP match).

The Real Ash'little'Stream, Catfight!!!!!Catfight!!!!!!

While Ash was knocked out, Sarah kicks Dumb on his ass asking him to snap out of it, and told him to find the painting before she gets up and disappears. So in the end, Dumb found the painting, Ash lies to Esum saying Dumb completed the task and Dumb, unable to dispose off of Ash, gives the painting back to her.

Esum was more perplexed than ever because, he knew it was impossible for Dumb to have completed the 2nd task. But he was mighty sure that Dumb won’t be able to finish the third and the final task because nobody (not even the old king-because during his time, there were only 2 tasks) had done that. He explained to Dumb his third task:

To find and kill MAN.(wind stops blowing, and a high pitch tone, not unlike the good, bad ugly theme echoes in the background).

MAN moments before his death!!!!

Now, Dumb at that time did not know his connection with Man. So he very valiantly sets out to pursue the task given to him. He found Man (do not ask me how he did that, no one knows) in the forest, having his mid-day meal, and challenged him to a fight. Man was in no mood to fight that day, so, he asked Dumb to piss off. But Dumb was not going to give up that easily. He tore off his shirt and Man on seeing the word RAD tattooed across his chest, got so excited that he choked on his food and died of hic-coughs. Dumb was wondering what that was all about, when Esum appeared out of nowhere and declared him king.

The first thing Dumb did on becoming king was killing Esum. He then hunted down all the elephants in the land and with the help of Sarah (of course), he introduced to the people, the concept of Democracy. And so, they lived happily ever after. He was a great king and hailed by all as KINGDUMB!!!! KINGDUMB!!! This later on evolved into the term Kingdom. One sad thing though, was that even on his death-bed, king Dumb did not know who his parents were :P.