Rolled Monk

Chennai, MY LOVE!

In Peeterru!, Singaara Chennai! on April 27, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Hello random reader,

Chennai!!

I’m back home, well fed and watered, as they say. Chennai is extremely hot and my entire house is undergoing renovation. All the rooms are being painted, cleaned and a lot of old, old stuff is coming out (including lizards and cockroaches). For what end though, I do not understand. I mean, I am going to go back to Calicut (sigh), my sister is in Nagpur (VNIT it seems…a bigger sigh), my dad just got transferred to Trichy and will be leaving in a day or two and my mom is going to shift to her parents’ home in Egmore (another place in Chennai) once we all leave. A nuclear family, in the true sense of the word.

OK, let me not bore you anymore and get straight to the point. This post is not about any of the things I had mentioned in the above paragraph. It is about Chennai or to be more precise, the things you will probably get to see only in Chennai (of course, I’m comparing it with only the other major cities). So, here it is, a count-down of  the top 10 things you can see only in Chennai.

10.Beggars:

This alone has not changed!!

No hands, no legs, no eyes, no ears, no face…yadayada…You name it you have it. Beggars of all shapes and sizes and colours and what not are available here. And that is not the end of it. They are everywhere. Temples, Signals, Hotels, Bus stands, railway stations and even airports. And, Manyu, if the world ends on 21/12/2012, not only cockroaches but these “dudes” will also survive along with them man.

9. Girls

Now, before you go “wtf, there are girls everywhere”, let me make myself more clear. Ugly girls or as people more commonly say Aunties. All you need to do is go to Spencer Plaza or Ranganathan street on a weekend and you can see ugliness manifested. Girls/Women with no dressing sense and ridiculously copious amounts of make-up can be seen, haggling with vendors while their husbands/boyfriends stand by them, gazing out into space deep in thought, about why they married/decided to go out with these spectacular specimens.

Ranganathan Street, TNagar, Chennai.

I am not saying that there are no good-looking girls here. All I am saying is, if there were, it will be a better place. (And yeah, I would like to wave my middle finger at all those people who are thinking I am a male chauvinist now. :P)

8. Men

(In how many cities across India can you see the spectacle I am going to describe? If you can name one and prove it to me, well I am wrong and you are right…thats about it.)

So again, it’s the weekend and its 10 or 11 in the morining. Mom, sends you out to get some grocery and what do you see on your way? This:

Middle aged men, standing bare-chested with just their lungis on, in front of their houses and smoking beedies or worse, brushing their teeth(ugh!!). Now, the best part is they are not alone. They stand together in groups and discuss politics or about the IPL match the previous night until some butt naked kid comes running out from the house and says to one of them very menacingly, “Mommy wants to see you…NOW“.  Then, they all disperse (like they have a choice).

At 7, 6, and 5, we have Autos, Cricket and Police officers. But since a lot of people have documented and popularised their thoughts on these invaluable assets of this great city and I have nothing new to add, lets directly jump to the 4th place.

4. Marina Beach

The world's largest Public Urinal

The world’s second largest beach or as I remember reading somewhere, the world’s largest public toilet. It is rumored that God, one day visited Marina beach in the morning and saw a huge line of people, ranging from toddlers to 70 year olds performing their morning ablutions. He got so pissed that the next day, he sent a Tsunami!!!

And anything about Marina, would be incomplete without mentioning the amount of “lovers” you get to see there.At midday, while the sun is scorching like mad, these people are at it without a break. So if you are in Chennai, and have an afternoon to spare, do not, I repeat do not go to the beach unless of course, you want disgusting images to haunt you for the remainder of your lives.

3. Catfight

Bitch fight would be more like it. Women, burly, dark and twice my size having a go at each other (and the men dare not intervene). They are so huge that they can easily lift me and smash me on the ground. The reasons they fight: well usually it’s for water (one of the rarest commodities in Chennai, India), but sometimes, it’ll seem like just for the heck of it.

The insults and abuses they hurl at each other, oh sweet Lord! Generations after generations are dragged and rolled in mud. It is actually so funny to see, that there are no words in any language to describe the spectacle. Sometimes, they even slipper each other on the road for all to see, and only another woman (of similar proportions) can break it up. But after a minute or two, all you will get to see is a threesome.

2. MTC (Madras Transport Corporation)

MTC or what ever it is called these days, are the green and red and white city buses. They are beyond any and every rules set for the common man. In every bus, the conductor does not ever give you the exact change, the driver is never driving in the proper gear and at least 10 people are hanging-on for dear life on the foot-boards.

Footboard!!!

The buses are so crowded, that they are always tilted to one side, and none of them ever just crash. If only Newton, were alive today. Only he can appreciate the extent to which his laws of gravity are being used here. Also, there are two kinds of seats, ladies seat and ladies seat. The women can sit anywhere while the men cannot even think of  sitting on a “ladies seat”.

In the mornings, when the crowd is at its peak, a lot of men, the perverted bastards that they are, do some mischief and ultimately end up in the police station. But from a third person’s point of view all of this though very pissing off, is funny in retrospect.

1.The Masses

We are a genuine, kind-hearted race in general you know. Do not judge us only by our bad-side. I mean, where else in India, do people, put up shelters and distribute free water or buttermilk sometimes, during summer? Where else in India, do you find thousands and thousands of people from other states thronging in everyday and given shelter, without any bias. Try going to Bombay (Raj Thackeray will kick your arses out), and if you are illiterate, try going to Bangalore (the “coolest” hangout spot in the nation apparently).

So, all said and done, I consider myself extremely lucky to be born and bought up in this city (Laugh retards laugh). Whatever you get or don’t get, Chennai gives you life. It gives you love. It gives you freedom and best of all, it gives you a home.

My LOVE!!!

So till I write again…ciao ciao.

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  1. brutally honest and really gud.

  2. Feelings portrayed really well. Good one mate. The tsunami joke really cracked me up. “God got pissed…”

  3. @sreerag… now tht u mention it, it strikes me…honestly when i wrote it, i didnt intend it to get conveyed like tht m8!!!

  4. LOL….thanks for the warning….no more beach trips for me!!

  5. hey macchha..nice post
    Well I personally have bittersweet memories of chennai as well…From the shit hole called ennore to paradise called Besant nagar beach and adayar.
    It’s a city one simply has to experience to comprehend.

  6. Why would you be termed a male chauvinist if you hope there were better looking girls? Desperate, yes. Chauvinist, no. 😛
    You missed the “chivalry” aspect in MTC. Men are ready to footboard in my place in exchange for their stuffy but safe spot inside the bus. 🙂

  7. Friend,

    Rather than whining about and bringing utter disgrace for Chennai effortlessly from you armchair, what are you ‘doing’ about it? What real positive action have you taken to change the situation even slightly. What if 70 or even 90% of people in Chennai think the same way like you? That may explain why Chennai, like every other Indian city, is going worse.

    It’s always better to take action to do something positive than talk or worse, whine (like you do here), nestled comfortably in your room/home.

  8. @ Chandra Mohan : Friend

    I suggest you read the post again…I have not whined about Chennai at all! its just somethings you’ll get to see here and not in any other major cities…and as far as I know, Chennai is on an uphill road…not going worse (even w/o my efforts)!

    Also I do not see how I could change the the things mentioned here about this city(if taken in ur sense)…in my sense it was meant for fun! nthng else…and thank you for taking time off to read my post, “even get offended by it” and commenting…I thot I was the only jobless one out there!

  9. Harsh yet comical and true! I should be writing my English paper at the moment, but this gave me a nice break, and aided in my inevitable procrastination. As a summer traveler to Chennai, I have noticed all of these things, almost from a sight-seer’s perspective, rather than from the perspective of a member of the community. Glad to see that others share in my observations of Chennai. These realities, as you pointed out in the last paragraph, are very real, whether they are perceived as negative or positive. As a reader who just stumbled upon this through an arbitrary web search, though, this struck me, initially, as a negative review of the vast, and diverse city. In your spare time, maybe try to write another similar article, enumerating all of the wonderful qualities of Chennai, so as to attract visitors, and draw in frequent travelers.
    Great article! I look forward to procrastinating on this site more in the near future!

  10. hey anya! thanks for commenting and yes…i have been meaning to write another post on Chennai but haven’t just found the time for it yet..keep visiting cheers!!

  11. Also, I’ve found your use of Tamil in other posts to be refreshing, and interesting… keep it up! Is that the formal way you write it (with English letters), or is that phonetic? I’ve begun to lose touch with my heritage and am desperate to gain it back, piece by piece.

    • thnx..it phonetic i guess…i actually have no idea…there’s no set method for writing tamil in english… my spellings vary but roughly its how words are pronounced…

  12. ithu yenaka romba pidikum. ni romba nana panite.
    did you understand that?

  13. I SPEND MY BEST 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE IN CHENNAI.. I LIVE IN UK BUT STILL I DO LOOK BACK & THINK ABOUT DEAR CHENNAI… I LOVE SMELL IN THE AIR , I LOVE BEACHES THERE, I LOVEE SARVANA BHAVAN , I LOVE PASTRY & CAKE AVALIABLE WITH UNIQUE LOCAL TASTE , I LOVE ADYAR … I LOVE CHENNAI…

  14. hey, ur photos are excellent. can i use them in my book.. im making a book on chennai..

  15. Nice post , reminds me of old times. I still think that Chennai is still one of the best cities with better infrastructure ,except for lacking in a bit of cleanliness.
    MTC is one of the better organized transport corporations.
    I still lament that Chennai’s beaches are not put to better use because of the filth there…
    Still looking forward to settling down there only……..

  16. The Ministry of Tourism guys shud read this post. They’ll blame u for all this drop in the number of tourist in Chennai. But if u can make Tamilians like me laugh at this post rather than feeling offended, needless to say, you rock!!
    The post is super-awesome. I feel like falling in love with the place, for the first time. 😉

    • Chennai does that to you…in fact any city that is one’s home town evokes similar feelings. places are the only things you can love and hate at the same time!

  17. Chennai. Is my loving city

  18. It was lovely to read your post on Chennai. I have found a friend who lives there, so for me to see your post was awesome. I like your story.

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