Rolled Monk

Archive for August, 2010|Monthly archive page

A letter from Ilayathapathy Vijay

In Kozhikode!, Peeterru!, Sappadu, isai mattrum pala! on August 21, 2010 at 10:00 am

Hello random reader,

Hi, I am Joseph Vijay. The actor. I have committed some serious sins in this life of mine and this is my attempt at an apology. Even though it is hard to believe, I am but a human being. So if I have missed anything in this letter, feel free to enlighten me.

Yes...that's me!

1.  I will not demand an introduction scene where I appear unexpectedly out of nowhere wearing ridiculous costumes and bash up villains.

2. My introduction scene will also not immediately proceed into a ghastly song through which I would claim everyone to be my kith and kin.

3. I will not blatantly copy scripts or songs or dance-steps from Telugu movies.

4. I will not encourage any particularly difficult dance-moves in the songs and if there has to be one, I will master it so well that the constipated look on my face while doing it disappears, and also make sure that it has not already been used in a Telugu movie.

5. I will fire my current costume designer and hire a new one!

6. I will give more importance to heroines.

7. I will make my younger son read through all my scripts and discard anything in which he is able to detect a logical flaw.

8. I am not Sachin Tendulkar or A R Rahman or Rajnikanth even. Therefore I would not be a presumptuous prick and expect everyone to know who I am.

9. My characters will have some depth rather than a one-man-army-crusader who dispatches off villains with one blow.

10. I will never work with Perarasu again…ever.

11. I will stop naming my movies after animals or birds or reptiles or games or places…you know….give them a decent name, not something that disgusts people.

12. I will not watch only Telugu movies. Other languages exist too.

13. I will not unnecessarily allow any part of my body to come in contact with the heroine’s bottom.

15. I will discard any script which suggests that I must maintain a single zombie-ass-loser look throughout the movie.

16. I will not use old toothless ladies to sing my praises before and during my introduction.

17. I will not do double roles ever again and even if I did, there will be no psychic powers involved.

18. When I present myself in public, I will try to act natural and not give out the image of a very reticent and dignified individual. For all it did so far was highlight upon the fact that I have stage fear and am an extremely tactless public speaker.

19. I will be more open-minded to ideas where I am challenged or intrigued by the villains rather than vice-versa.

20. I will never let the heroines kill someone in my movies and even if I do, the heroine will not be Trisha.

21. I will not colour my hair gold or red, wear ear-rings, spike my hair, or wear cooling glasses in the night, unless I play a blind drug addict.

22. I will make sure that there is a story from my next film onwards.

23. I will act in my next 5 films for free and dedicate a share of the profits to charity for having the masses put up with me this long.

24. I will vehemently say no to punch-dialogues and build-up scenes.

24. I will not claim to be the only hope for humanity.

25. The directors of my movies shall not appear in any song or scene and give me more build up.

26. I will refrain from making subtle (I thought they were) remarks at Ajith through my dialogues or song lyrics.

27. I will never drive a car with my mouth. Why, hell, I will never drive in my movies again.

28. If Vadivelu’s is the comedian, I will leave the humor to him and won’t crack incongruous and idiotic jokes.

29. I will comb my hair and wear normal clothes and make everyone believe I am a homo-sapien.

30. I will try to make sure that my lips sync properly with the lyrics and dialogues in every scene.

31. I will speak clearly, audibly and coherently and not swallow half the words.

32. I will not play a police officer ever again and if I do so, he won’t be an undercover cop and even if he was, I would refrain from doing march-past or taking Hindi oaths.

33. I will never act in any commercial and even if I did, I swear that at least that will make some sense.

34. I will never agree to a project if it has Nayanthara or Trisha or Kushboo, even in item numbers.

35. I will give up that Doctor degree immediately.

36. I will at least try to act and show some tangible human-related expressions.

37. My songs will not have TR style lyrics and I will not sing again.

38. My villains will be people who actually are evil and not some road-side junkie who is a Pussy with a Gun in his hands! (saw shoot ‘em up! Lately…greatly inspired by it)

39. I will tend to avoid item numbers and chase scenes as much as possible.

40. I will not kill the audience with overdoses of sentiment.

41. Hereafter, I will avoid movies which have a flashback where I play my father.

42. I will not make obvious references to MGR or Rajnikanth in my movies, claiming to be the next super-star!

43. I will not and should not enter politics. If I do, somebody please assassinate me.

44. I know that I will go to hell for what I have done so far. This is a pathetic attempt to seek redemption.

45. If my movie flops even after all this, I will take all blame, return the money to the producers and distributors and commit suicide.

Yours Sincerely,

Vijay!

This is an attempt to bring into light how pathetic Vijay movies are and how much he could improve if he wanted to. And no, I am not an Ajith fan! I just hate to see my Tamil movies being raped.

So till I write again…ciao ciao.

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