Rolled Monk

Love, Making Love, and Twitter

In Uncategorized on February 3, 2012 at 10:19 pm

‘It’s over between us! You’re too obsessed with that god-damn thing and I cannot compete with a social network.’

 It took Narain the best part of two minutes to comprehend his girlfriend’s statement. He was busy tweeting something about which he had no idea. He was a mini Twitter celebrity. He had just over 1,400 followers and he averaged at about 45 tweets a day. At the end of the second minute realization struck him. And it struck him hard.

 ‘But…but…I have always been there for you. There were no signs of things going downhill. Where did this come from? In fact we had sex for the first time this Sunday, two days back and you were even excited about joining Twitter back then…what happened?’ he asked her.

 ‘I did join the website. It was all fine till I started following you. I now realize you are addicted to the thing and you are way beyond redemption. You know what made me draw this conclusion? You were tweeting about the tennis match this Sunday afternoon and you weren’t even watching the match.’

 ‘How does it matter?’ he asked and realization dawned.

 She looked at his hanging mouth and gave a resentful laugh that fell somewhere in between a bark and a cry. ‘Yes. Now he finds out. When the match was happening we were doing it. And you weren’t even watching the bloody game.’

 He was devastated. He felt as if a thousand of his followers had suddenly unfollowed him. He tried to beg. He tried to justify it by saying he knew people who had done worse things on Twitter.

 ‘There was this guy who live-tweeted his first night you know!’ he told her.

 If she had been angry until that point, she was furious now. She came up to him, threw a punch on his face and walked out of his life for good.

 He just sat there fiddling with his phone unable to decide what to do next. He sullenly wrote the words “Got dumped” and pressed the tweet button. He suddenly jerked his head up and sat upright.

‘By God she is right. I am addicted’ he confirmed it to himself. It is not everyday one gets dumped and that too for such a stupid reason. In a sudden fit of impulsive rage, he decided to commit suicide. No. Not the normal one. The internet calls it social suicide. In layman terms, he was planning to delete his twitter account.

 He did delete the account. After undergoing much internal deliberation and mental turmoil, he performed the act. He felt happy. He felt buoyant. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted off of him. ‘I need not live up to the expectations of 1,400 strangers everyday anymore’ he thought.

 By the end of the second day, he was cursing himself for his stupidity. By the end of the first week he was raving mad. He had completely forgotten about his girlfriend and was only worried about the Twitter account. He was undergoing what regular users of hard drugs undergo once they quit using the drug. It is called withdrawal symptoms. He was seeing tweets left, right, and center. His mind was making jokes, puns, anagrams and hashtags at a rate faster than he could handle. He needed to vent it out. He needed an outlet. But nobody would listen to him.  He was somewhat akin to a loser in the real world.

 To understand Narain’s story and his love for this website, we must go back to the beginning. Many story-tellers before my time have believed and many after me will believe that the beginning for any person is his birth. I would like to agree with them. But in the case of our protagonist here, the beginning is his naming ceremony which happened on his eleventh day in this planet.

 ‘Naranampatti Narayanasaami. Naranampatti Narayanasaami Naranampatti Narayanasaami’ his grandfather whispered three times into his ear and sealed his fate.

Naranampatti was a small village which was his grandfather’s home-town. Even though he had migrated to Chennai orMadras as it was known then,  61 years ago and made a great fortune here, he had a lingering memory of the great times he had spent there in his youth. It would seem that he wanted his grandson to know his roots and be proud of them.

 Narayanasaami was proud of them. Until third standard that is. He went to an elite school in the city and the poetic beauty his grandfather saw in his name was the subject of a great many jokes. He was always made fun of and his name was the main reason for it. Amidst the Abhinav-s and Aryans and Ajay-s and Roshan-s and Rakesh-s and Nikhil-s, Narayanasaami Naranampatti never really stood a chance.

 To make up for this, he studied. Books were his friends. He was brilliant, excelled in academics and went on to an IIT. Still nothing changed. In IIT, he realized even brilliant people made fun of his name. He had wrongly attributed that to stupidity. It was 2008 and he was at a great low in his life. It was when he discovered Twitter. @dark_narain was born.

 For the last three years, it had kept him going. He was recognized for who he was and not his name. He changed. He was willing to do anything to keep it like that and now he is where we have left him in our tale. Suffering from withdrawal symptoms.

 Narain decided that there was only one way to get back to leading a normal life. He needed to face his enemy head on. He needed to get back a grip on his life. He needed a break.

 ‘I am going to Naranampatti’ he told himself, ‘to find inner peace’. He left his phone, his laptop and anything else remotely electronic and went on one of those self-discovery voyages some people undertake as often as every 3 months and come back a new person every time.

 He reached the village two days later. There is something about rural regions that puts the mind at peace. Even though there was a drought and people all around him were immersed in misery, Narain was beginning to feel happier. The thought ‘my problems are nothing compared to this’ helped him rejuvenate.  He stayed there for a total of one week, met a few of his distant relatives and people who remembered his grandfather. All of them were proud of Narain’s name and this fact alone would have been enough to hasten his recovery.

He felt really sad when he was leaving the village. He had made some really good friends and had even developed a crush on the headman’s daughter. A rumor that the headman had killed and buried two men who had made a pass at his daughter just two moths ago helped him keep his feelings under check. He came back to Chennai though and got back to his life. He was really happy now.

He ran into the ex-girlfriend once in one of the malls and they got talking.

 ‘How stupid of me right? I am really sorry for being a jerk. I guess I was not myself’ he told her. She seemed surprised by the change in him and decided to accept his offer for coffee.

 As they were drinking coffee, he noticed she was texting quite a lot from her phone. He was jealous. She dumped him two-three months ago and now here she was already exchanging ex-es and oh-s with someone, or so he thought.

 ‘New boyfriend?’ he asked her.

 She turned red at this question of his and squeakily replied ‘Twitter.’

  1. Gahahaha..

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