Live Football…LIVE!

Hello random reader,

It is with great sorrow that I am writing this post. It has been almost 10 days since the inception of the world’s most watched sporting event – FIFA WorldCup 2010. There have been some amazing matches with brilliant goals, breath-taking saves and shocking upsets. It is no wonder that in less than 10 days some legends have been made while other existing legends have succumbed to the pressure.

Sniff Sniff!

Every match played so far has had an electric atmosphere where emotions of the players and entire nations behind/against them wreaked havoc. It was while watching one such game that this thought struck me. No, “thought”, is an understatement. It was a revelation, the magnitude of which, benumbed me and left me in a state of unsustainable enthusiasm.

I wanted to see at least one international football match live. The countries playing the game did not matter. Any game between any two countries would suffice. The venue, on the other hand, was important. It had to be some European nation. Definitely a country in Europe, with Nederlands or Germany right up there. If I ever had a bucket-list this wish of mine would probably top the list.

If one cares enough to look beyond the façade of “love-for-the-game”, the reason for such a whim becomes surprisingly simple. What I am trying to convey is that I have never been a very “sporty” person my entire life. Even cricket which has transcended all the man-made barriers in India had failed to capture my attention to this extent. So why this sudden love for football, a game in which India sucks (what? you are a patriot? you offended? well listen carefully, for I am not going to say this again, INDIA SUCKS AT FOOTBALL).

The reason is quite simple. If one is lucky enough, one could get laid after a football match with a complete random foreigner. As all the pieces of the puzzle now fall into place, I can envision you asking a question : “Why a football match? If one is lucky enough like you said, this could happen anytime couldn’t it?” Well technically you are right but the effort and the amount of luck involved in my scenario is way lower.

So if you are like me and in case you go to a football match, this is what you have to do:

1. Have 3 beers before the match so that in case my master-plan fails, you would still get to be light-headed and enjoy a good game for 90 minutes. And have some beers with you…just in case.

2. Pray to God. Yes, you read right, pray to God indeed, because the scenario is very similar to traveling by train. The exercise becomes an utter failure if you get 4 other drunken guys sitting around you. So pray that you get a beautiful female next to you. But in all probability you might get a 70-year-old grandma, who unable to bear the excitement will faint during half-time. Don’t give up just then though. Escort her to her home or room. She might have a good-looking grand-daughter.

3. Have material for both the teams with you. It is very important that you  support the same team the female next to you does. All this shit about enmity turning into love works only in the movies…not in real life. Laugh with her, cry with her, sing with her, dance with her. If your team scores a goal, hug her. I am sure she wouldn’t mind because the situation is thus, excitement and emotions galore. If the opposition scores, console her. Give her hope.

4. If she is alone, then there is a good chance that you are going to get some that day. If she has friends, you are in for an orgy. Though beware of tattooed men in sleeveless jackets flexing their muscles. If one of them approaches you, that’s your cue. Get the fuck out of there. You were hitting on the wrong girl.

5. Oh and by the way, make sure you go to a match where you are sure that fans of both the nations can speak English. Otherwise, learn French or Spanish or Italian…might come in handy.

6. Do your homework. She might suddenly turn in your direction and say “So unfair. That was not an off-side.” All your plans are completely foiled if you look pensive and reply “I know. It’s a leg-side”. It is fucking football, not cricket. So learn about the rules the previous night as if your life depended on it. (After that answer, you probably won’t be having one anyways)

7. Last but not least, even though nothing might happen, do not let the optimist inside you die. Carry lot of protection. Like they are exotic and foreign to us, we too are to them. Stay safe.

And why am I writing this with sorrow? Like I said, it has been almost 10 days and no flashing ti***es have been caught on camera yet.

So till I write again…ciao ciao.