Octopussy!

Hello random reader,

Octopussy!

Paul the octopus – an 8 legged enigma that has made the whole world come to a standstill, take a 180 degree u-turn and travel back 50 years. How? By predicting (correctly?!) Germany’s football match results. Let us leave the discussion of whether it is by mere coincidence or by possession of some other powers that Paul arrives at his decisions to the intellectuals. This is a “what-if” post through which I am going to venture into the realms of chaos and confusion by putting forth this simple question : What if Paul was Indian?

As retardedly diverse our nation is, I can imagine a billion retarded and diverse answers.

One of the first ones that struck my mind was PAUL? How the fuck can an Indian octopus be named Paul? I can imagine the Thackerays, Modi and group hollering into a mike to a crowd of millions : “hamara bharat ka octopiss hai yeh…isko angrezi main naam kisne dheeya? bhosadeekae“…So Paul (or whatever his name is going to be) would be made to choose his own name (the same way he chooses the team that is going to win).

But issues will be raised again. North Indian name? South Indian name? Chinky name? Kashmiri name? and also religion comes in…So probably, to satisfy the masses, they will hold a nationwide contest. “Name the octopus!” About a million entries will pour in highlighting the number of jobless assholes in the nation. Another group of jobless losers will sort these names out based on religion and pick 2 names from each. Still around 3000 names will be left for Paul to choose from and Paul better pray that he does not get stuck with “Shah Rukh Khan” or “Salman Khan”, for the average Indian cannot think beyond these two idols when asked for a “cool” name.

Further things like which part of the nation does Paul stay in, and a lot of other such trivial issues will be raised. But let us leave all that, for it could take forever if we get into those. Let us concentrate on the other important stuff. The questions one could ask Paul :

You see, Indians are generally an experimentative people and since the octopus’ answer is always going to be the other team when asked about Indian football, it might soon become a dull object. To prevent this from happening, the media will step in. I can imagine a headline in every national daily screaming : “Paul has picked Asin as Dhoni’s next Girl friend!” (get a life motherfuckers) and Rakhi Sawant conducting her octopuswar, where Paul chooses her soul-mate for her.

* Who will win the elections this tim? BJP or UPA? (Paul has to be very careful while answering this one. His life depends on it.)

* Will mega serials ever lose their charm in the nation? (wtf?)

* Will the abhi-ash marriage last?

* Will the next Vijay movie at least be a hit? (No!)

* Will India win the 2011 world cup? (haha!)

* Should Nithyananda be declared innocent? (balls!)

* Will NITC ever get good-looking girls? (never!)

These are some of the questions i could think of. You too can chip in.

Reality shows in all languages will spring up featuring a contestant whose very important life decision (engineering or medicine sort) will be made by Paul accompanied by dramatic music and a breathless audience trying to predict what the octopus is going to predict. People will stop depending on horoscopes to find their brides or grooms. They will start demanding an octopus (this was a tweet!).

It seems our stupidity, as a nation, has a limit too or maybe it’s just me, for I am not able to think beyond this. But lastly what may happen is that a temple may be built for Paul with the claim that he is the 11th Avatar of lord Vishnu and how could I forget? Politicians may bribe Paul’s owner so that he predicts in their favour. A whole new type of fraud known as octopus-fixing or the octopus gate scandal might crop up.

And why the name octopussy? Don’t ask me! Paul picked it.

So till I write again…ciao ciao.